Love thyself, said the Soul to the Body.

Feeling ugly is the most common permutation of self-hatred. You can hide other things about yourself but no one has yet invited JK Rowling’s invisible cloak. So, there’s you. In your body. “I am not a size 2, I’m not bootylicious enough (Thank Beyonce for that salient term), I’m too pale, too dark, not dark enough. I’m too plain. I’m ugly.” But really you’re not. Because all opinions are in the mind. Change your mind!  I’m not saying it’s easy but do the work that it takes to change your mind. First step: Avoid people with unhealthy perceptions.

I’ll tell you a story…

Last week Tina and I were hanging out and she was reading People Magazine.  She muttered to me “skinny bitch.”  She was talking about the woman in the pictures — some actress whose face and name I’ve forgotten.  This woman has a “great” body and Tina hates her for it.

Tina is the same woman who asks me nearly every week if I’m on a new diet. One day we were chatting with someone. He was on a diet and he was discussing his lastest victory, rapid weight loss with minimal exercise. Tina turned to me and said, “Dyane’s also lost some weight.”  To which the Diet Man naturally asked –  because he was happy to find someone to comiserate with – “which diet are you on?” To which I replied, “I’m not on a diet.” At which point Tina retored, “Oh, that’s right. Dyane’s on a ” ‘healthy eating plan.’ ” I could hear the quotations marks hanging around “healthy eating plan.”

Then some weeks later she was reading that magazine and disparaging that No-Face Actress. Skinny Bitch probably doesn’t eat at all.  She probably works out like a fiend, too. Look at those muscles!

“You too can look like that,” I said.

Tina turns around, intrigued. What?

“You too can look like that. Just don’t eat.” She stared at me, waiting.

“If you don’t eat anymore, you will soon look like that.”

There is no such thing as conventional beauty. Most people in magazines and catalogs are Caucasian, thin and maybe from Idaho.  Also they are squeezed, sucked and airbrushed. If you’re curious about how they get to looking like that, read Tina Fey’s hilarious essay on the subject. In fact, read all of BossyPants. You’ll burn calories laughing.

Now, let me say that people from Idaho are cool and productive. Idaho is the greatest producer of potato in the United States and Denise Austin reps those home grown beauties well. I love Denise. I used to practice her routines  in my room when I was a teenager before I discovered the feeling of feet beating on fresh soil {running}.

However, not everyone looks like Denise. Can you imagine the freak-show the world would be if we all looked alike? That’s the kind of thing Aldous Huxley might have explored in a sequel of A Brave New World. Let us cheer to the fact that his work is more fiction than science while you ravish these Astoundingly Beautiful People.

Ms. Streep was fearful of being turned down for Out of Africa because the filmmakers did not qualify her as “sexy” enough. But Ms. Streep, a graceful apparition, has made much good of that pale broad face of hers.
I love this woman’s performance in Women on the Verge of A Nervous Breakdown. Rossy de Palma has a prominent nose, verdad? The Spanish actress has graced the screen with her nose held high. She looks like a stately pelican. Her nose gives her a kind of hauteur that becomes humor as soon as she opens her mouth.
Monica Bellucci has always been an impressive figure. Bellucci, much like her English look-alike, Nigella Lawson, seems like she could knock you senseless. The Roman gods sculpted her with both hands and gave her the wisdom to know the value of pleasure. She is delightful in interviews because she is unashamedly sensual. Sensuality requires comfort with all things that enrich and gratify. Food, sex, sport. You cannot hate your body and indulge it at the same time.
Javier Bardem. A face with so many recesses you could get lost just looking at him. He has quite a few admirers but he’s no cherub. There’s a ruggedness in his facile features. Fear and pain in The Sea Inside. Cold menace in the Coen Brothers’ No Country for Old Men. Flirtatious Confidence in Woody Allen’s Vicky Cristina Barcelona.
Tara Lynn’s staggering bravado in Vogue Italia. No explanation required.
Chimamanda Adichie. The superbly talented Nigerian novelist (Half of a Yellow Sun, et al) who rocks her traditional head scarf with gala dresses.
The most beautiful feature is the one we can’t see. Yet it glosses over every other feature. Michelle Obama and the beauty of confidence.

Photos: Tara Lynn, Monica Bellucci, Michelle Obama, Meryl Streep, Javier Bardem, Chimamanda Adichie, Rossy de Palma